The diagnosis was incidental
the comedy of errors that ensued were incredible
as in incredulous…
as in absurd…
there was such urgency and alarm
but every appointment was months apart
months turned into years somehow
and i can feel it growing…spreading
the pain has tendrils and everyday reaches further
now i’m a stubborn guy
but i’ve wanted to be gone for so long
and just by doing nothing it seems my wish is being granted
i’ve let it grow…
from my adrenal gland to who knows?
pain is an old familiar friend
and all fear has flown
i’ve seen and heard “mystery”
some unknown…become known
i embrace pain…as a comfort zone
i’ve tried and failed
i’ve failed and tried again
but l’m done now…
i will rest soon i know
no one may cut me open again
i’m done with all that
this is no place to call home
no life…
anyone in their right mind
would want to extend
one last time…
i’ll hit send
then silence
but wait…
i know i have cancer
i’ve known for nearly three years
i choose not to fight
fight for what???
have you not seen and heard what is going on?
pain is an old friend since before my formitive years
yes i’ve experienced the gambit of emotions
but “pain”
pain has been a constant in my life without fail
before being saved and after
on this side and before glimpses through the veil
perhaps it should not have been but it was
and so it is…soon to be over
but not soon enough
i would not wish my life on my worst enemy.


Trying to live in this world and not be “of” it…
Try going for a swim and then saying you’re not wet
One can only attempt and grace dictates the rest
I would be a liar to say i love this place
I’m in it up to my neck
sometimes drowning
sometimes wading
sometimes floating on my back
sometimes treading
sometimes a dog paddle in circles
always…soaking wet!
A Fish in dry land
A symbol…
That cannot breathe underwater
That cannot thrive in the sun
And in this place…nothing more than sitting ducks

Waiting for a Tsunami of sorts on a global scale!

a bird landed on my head?

If i’m being completely honest…
how many times have i thought…
“a lot of good this has done for me…?”
even as i struggled to pray
how convenient it seems to forget the times that favor smiled upon me
in the past…
and today?
well today just seems devastatng…
I can’t see past the hurt and pain of now…unbearable!
i’m floundering…
and the cross i once cleaved to
is a garment shrunken to the point of becoming unwearable
this is the best i have to offer right now…
how pathetic?

i was spreading bird seed across the railings of the back deck…
as i do several times of day
and thousands of times before
when suddenly i heard a loud fluttering of wings behind me…
and then..?

in any event i was so startled,
i forgot my misery for a moment
i’ll take that as a sign…
i certainly will:)

(in case your wonderin’…no the bird did not poop on my head…probably deserved it, in fact i’m sure i did…but no:)

Written in 1994…decades before consciously knowing of being saved or even what it meant or even asking to be.

I breathe not
less you breathe within me
I see beyond seeing
for my sight belongs to Thee
I feel without touching
that which is more than i may grasp
I walk in circles…
I walk in darkness…
Without Your love
To light my path
(makes me wonder if one can be saved w/o knowing they’ve been saved? All things are possible with a sovereign God. Why else would anyone even write such a thing while still oblivious to truth and mystery…jus’ sayin’?)
Being such as i was at the time i wrote this it made absolutely no sense at the time, just a lovely thought? A homage to someone i did not truly believe even existed. But yet i thought…”how beautiful?, Maybe i should share this?” and i was forced to ask myself “why the tears, why the pain, what was i feeling?”
I know now…but it’s been a very long journey:)
One thing i did learn for certain was: One does not necessarily need to understand everything read or written immediately…but like tea, the longer it steeps the more potent the flavor. I would often get frustrated with reading my Bible and put it down because i could not understand it. One day i resolved to read whether i understood or not and grew in faith and belief as a result of that decision. The understanding was not in my time but in His perfect time, much became clearer:)


To one who has faith, no explanation is necessary. To one without faith, no explanation is possible.”
– Thomas Aquinas

“Dear God, please save us from half the people who think they’re doing God’s work

God Bless

Being Led To Belief

Washing feet
tracing steps forensically
nothing in the eyes
worth seeing

In hearts smitten
a new slang being written
in defensive stances
what are the chances
to know of His romances?

He doesn’t pull any punches
nothing of coincidences
or hunches
sure footed
well rooted
that is His Hope for us

Fear dissipates in His presence
He teaches us how
to breathe in His essence
Even when sirens wail
bells toll
and the world screams
inside of our heads

Couldn’t get away from Him now
if we tried…who would want to?
how can you run from someone
living inside of you?

He will take us
where He needs us to be
even when it seems
somewhere least likely

The reservations have already been made
all that’s left to do
is to refrain from grazing
among miser’s pampas grasses
and pick up…
our boarding passes



To one who has faith, no explanation is necessary. To one without faith, no explanation is possible.”
– Thomas Aquinas

God Bless

Of No Worth

Useless till broken…
Bucking wild broncos can’t be ridden
Useless till broken…
Words without wisdom spoken
Useless till broken…
Busted on charges of illegal distribution
Useless till broken…
A life given…undedicated
Useless till broken…
Vows of man in lieu of a Promise Divine
Useless till broken…
Anything of man held in hands
Useless till broken…
Know nothing worth knowing till then
Speak nothing of worth till broken
Do nothing worth doing
Without first “being”
Useless till broken…
The Potter’s wheel is turning
Clay is being shapened by hands
 and water
and friction
and pressure
and love
A useful VESSEL
Custom fit…
Jeremiah 18:1-11New International Version (NIV)

At the Potter’s House

18 This is the word that came to Jeremiah from the Lord: “Go down to the potter’s house, and there I will give you my message.” So I went down to the potter’s house, and I saw him working at the wheel. But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him.

Then the word of the Lord came to me. He said, “Can I not do with you, Israel, as this potter does?” declares the Lord. “Like clay in the hand of the potter, so are you in my hand, Israel. If at any time I announce that a nation or kingdom is to be uprooted, torn down and destroyed, and if that nation I warned repents of its evil, then I will relent and not inflict on it the disaster I had planned. And if at another time I announce that a nation or kingdom is to be built up and planted, 10 and if it does evil in my sight and does not obey me, then I will reconsider the good I had intended to do for it.

11 “Now therefore say to the people of Judah and those living in Jerusalem, ‘This is what the Lord says: Look! I am preparing a disaster for you and devising a plan against you. So turn from your evil ways, each one of you, and reform your ways and your actions.’



To one who has faith, no explanation is necessary. To one without faith, no explanation is possible.”
– Thomas Aquinas

God Bless