It happened about 30 years ago.  It was a Saturday and I was planning my suicide the following Monday.  The only way it would work, I decided, would be if I stabbed myself in front of the altar.  While I died, I would beg God for forgiveness.

p19 St. Peter Claver Church was the church my family attended and where I planned to commit suicide. Above the altar is a giant cross, and it was to this that I planned to beg mercy from.

What drove me to this moment was the pursuit of peace.  I craved it but couldn’t find it.  Everything was meaningless to me from a very early age.  I could not sense hope in life and I longed for death.  I tried to find peace in many places: mindset, pithy quotes, being perfect, relationships, drinking, pleasures, friends-and although those could lift my spirits for a moment, I always found myself crashing into a well…

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Paul: A Winner or a Loser?


*So what was it in this champion’s life that was abundant? He knew his destination of joy. He knew his Elder Brother and Forerunner Jesus as a present friend. He knew that his pardon was assured by grace bringing an end to draining self-doubt. He had experienced the intimate fellowship of suffering for Christ’s sake. His associations were all free of the handicaps of judgment, competition or bitterness. He saw the marvelous out-workings of Providence so many times and had absolutely no doubt as to God’s benevolence. He rejoiced in the birthing of new believers and never tired of proclaiming the Good News. He rested in a magnificent singleness of purpose. All of these blessings were certain whether or not he was experiencing material comfort or social acceptance. He said that he had learned to be content in any set of circumstances.

Probably the high point comes in his exclamations in Philippians…

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