(Thinking…that rotting smelly thing inside my brain)
Sometimes when I’m on my laptop and have multiple pages open at once, the cooling fan kicks on and the p.c. slows down. The more virtual memory being used and memory stored begins to have an adverse effect on performance. So at these times I’ll start to close pages I’m not really using or which are no longer a priority. As I start to do this oft’ times I proceed to just close everything down and allow the machine to rest and cool and reset.
This often leads to closing the laptop altogether and meditating on this analogy of a time to rest and reassess priorities taking it into prayer life.
Begin to shut down certain thoughts running through my mind like autonomous background programs that really are subconscious commands we are unknowingly hitting the keys to keep running.
In this emptying process…the first thing that begins to rise to the surface is breathing, hearing my breath, becoming aware of a cool breeze and a gentle kiss of wind, so I begin to thirst head outdoors and am greeted by these things and more, like bird songs.
Like my machine, I become aware of a need to restart…to collect and gather my thoughts and prioritize. To defragment the accumulated collected files and condense. And I think of rain, of mists, of evaporation, how clouds collect and store move on and rain down once more. I think of my mind as a sponge being saturated and if not squeezed and drained will collect mold. Then I smell lemons in my mind as if I’m actually breathing in their scent and it is refreshing. Then I close my eyes and begin to empty…thinking of nothing, being nowhere, having nothing, owning nothing but that which is gifted right now, here in the present. There are no riches beyond this place in the “now”. Giving thanks and praise…the cup is being filled, the overflow is this which you are now reading.
I barely perceive that I have left myself…to be with YOU, till I return to thinking.
And experience that unmistakable separation anxiety from YOU as I become engrossed in the clicking and whirring of machinery by “preoccupations” once more.
Yes, become “Small..?” Save for one single, reflexive, devotional, conscious action of obedience having knealt and bowed, unconsciously grown tall.