Have A Heart

Once I had a heart
And for a time it beat without murmuring
Then one day it stammered
It stuttered
It fluttered
Then multi-colored  lights swirled
And the sounds of many voices murmured all around me
After a race in the night
Carried by a woman on fire
She drove the chariot
Like the fiercest of warriors
Stopping for nothing or no one!
The stars, the ground,
Rushed past as if a blur
Sprinting through a Vincent Van Gogh Painting,
Come to life in a “Starry, starry night”
All sight and sounds intermittent and screechy hazy now
Queasy and vomiting all the way
My chest was pried open
As I slept…
My eyes were closed
While safely held
Safely kept
No distress was noted…only a peaceful bliss
I awoke to a second chance
Zipper of staples up my chest
Witness to healing
A scar to bear
Witness to grace and mercy
For the better part of a year
Tender and sore
To be sure
Despite obvious limitations
Much more alive than before
I thought for a moment…
That this was it…you know…?
The “big one” and I might be going home?
But it seems I’m not done here yet
And though You are close
I’ve never felt more alone here
And while enduring, withstanding, prevailing, persevering…
As You will,
I still am no closer to understanding
A single thing
Or what it is I’m supposed to do?
To simply “be?”
Not so simply love?
Not while riddled with complexity?
Such difficulty to forgive,
While bearing the blatant contradiction
of being a recipient of…
Seems selfish.
But it is the Truth in my mended heart,
Still mending…
in ways beyond the physical
That such thoughts still ramble on.
In this “condition”
Of what use can any rendition,
Of mine be of any use to You?
There is no excuse I may offer,
Before You.
I try…
I fail…
I fall…
Why not just leave me fallen?
“I am not worthy to receive You…”
But no…
You just won’t have it!
You would rather shake the ground beneath me,
Till  upright once again I stood.
You would move mountains,
Cross oceans,
Make the sun to shine for more than a day,
For one…
Even as lowly as I?
You would die,
Your life You’d give freely
That one or many might live
Even though You can see within me
And the nothing I have worth giving
To give…
Your Word says that You are a “jealous” God
There are things known to You
That we may never understand or know…
But this I do know…
Once You’ve made a decision,
No…is no longer an option
I am no longer a prisoner…
but a servant
even though I have not a clue
what it is I am to do
I find myself “doing” at times,
without “knowing”
And this is for the best…
because I know now
that i could never again trust myself
to not “puff” up like a Blowfish
if I could see
the Jesus in me
To one who has faith, no explanation is necessary. To one without faith, no explanation is possible.”
– Thomas Aquinas

God Bless


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