Can Anyone Understand…What Is So Hard For Me To Say?

parasite

Just can’t get away from it

Can’t reconcile

Can’t find peace

Can’t make any sense of it all

You’re giving me something…

I can’t seem to grasp

Can’t receive

Claim to have by belief

But these things still haunt me

I make a liar of You

Without trying to

Wriggling in discomfort

From what I am still chained to

Waiting for my tormentors

To re-enter that place and time

Appear unannounced…

Invade my thoughts

Permeate walls

I’m being pulled at

Ragamuffin red flagged dead center in a tug of war

Torn into quarters

By wild horses tied to limbs

And the onset is so subtle

So seemingly innocuous

I’m in over my head

Before even knowing I’ve wet a toe

This is what I live with

Every single day

What I pray about

Try to let go of

I’d be a liar to say I’m free

I know what is chasing after me

I also know Who intervenes

That this struggle must play out to conclusion

That the outcome is not at all about me

And so I squirm in the wet earth
Rising to the surface
After a heavy rain
Because I must fight to Remain Vulnerable
submitted
helpless prey trusting
while ominous shadows of spread wings
circle menacingly breaking the stillness of breaking light
Hold fast…and pray
that come what may
may not come
but pass
Thy Will alone be done 
To be of any possible “good” use
available…
though not of much avail
by the limited measures available
This much is clear
when I feel furthest away
it only serves to confirm
what I must acknowledge subconsciously
in my heart of hearts
while fearful and trembling…
despite the self loathing I am prone to
that plagues me
  You have not hesitated, not even for a moment

 

though my wretchedness
be ever before me…
 
 You draw near. 
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2 thoughts on “Can Anyone Understand…What Is So Hard For Me To Say?

  1. It is only the sanctified one, the hallowed one who even recognizes the sin and is troubled. The strugglings you mention confirm two things: Although you sense heavily the mucky condemnation, you retain a glimmer of hope to topple the enemy’s flag. You also are certain that Jesus, the compassionate Friend will not abandon His mission in you.

  2. Over one hundred views on CCW overnight and not a single intrepid soul to answer the titular question…and you availed yourself markedly well. Are we really so few and far between brother…can it truly be thus? Makes me sad:(
    Feel useless and defeated.
    And I already know what you’re going to tell me…”get the f_ _ _ away from there!”
    But it’s not so simple for me:(
    a.g.

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